I hate MTV. I used to love it, back when it truly was "Music Television," but now it's something totally different. Rarely do you get music videos, and when you do, it's either late at night, or it's during TRL, but TRL is bullshit. It's crap music, and the videos aren't shown in their entirety. Not only that, as the video is being played, you have some teenage idiot screaming into the camera about how much she likes the band whose video is being played. Pathetic. Instead of music videos, we get millions of reruns of "Road Rules" and "The Real World," "Cribs," "Dismissed"... there are all these lame ass shows that have nothing to do with music. Can somebody please tell me what a documentary on breast implants is doing on a station that calls itself Music Television??? And don't get me started on the Spring Break specials. Ugh. Instead of music videos, they'd rather show you drunken half-naked sluts running around, hanging out at the beach, going to bars, trying to find the next person to "triple kiss"... Look, I like seeing half-naked chicks running around and being sexy, but the Spring Break shit on MTV is childish, juvenile, and stupid. I feel like jumping into the screen and telling the college skanks to grow up. How did these bimbettes with single-digit brain cells get accepted into college in the first place? Did they screw the Dean? MTV tries so hard to be "young and hip," but they're just another corporation trying to appeal to the masses. In fact, that's why they don't play music videos anymore. The sad fact is that the Spring Break specials, "The Real World," all that crap has higher ratings than they would get if they played music videos.
Though I'm completely ripping on MTV, I have to admit that I watch it occasionally, and not just for "The Osbournes." Oh, speaking of that, "The Osbournes" has become almost unwatchable. The first season was brilliant, but the second season... I'm sorry, but watching Kelly Osbourne was too much for me. My God, that little girl may be the loudest, most annoying, most spoiled brat on the face of the earth. Did you see that one episode that was about how it was her birthday, and since it was her birthday, she should be allowed to do whatever she wants? I'm sorry, but I'm glad her CD didn't sell, because she needs to be seriously humbled. I doubt I'll watch the third season, because I can't take Kelly Osbourne anymore.
So, as I was saying, I sometimes watch MTV, like when I'm surfing channels or something. One time while doing that very thing, I saw an episode of "Cribs" with Rob Zombie. Typically, I don't watch "Cribs," because it's shallow, it's pointless, and it seems like every single person lives in the same damn house. Well I can't say that about Rob Zombie. His house is amazing. He loves horror movies, and his house is wall-to-wall horror movie memorabilia. It's phenomenal! Rob Zombie is cool in my book! Also, I've seen a few videos he directed, and his love of horror movies is clear, the inspiration is obvious.
A few years back, I heard that Rob Zombie was gonna write and direct a movie, and I thought that was a great idea, he'd be the perfect guy to make a horror movie. Unfortunately, when he finished the movie, Universal Pictures, the studio who produced it, refused to release the film, thinking that it would get an NC-17 rating. Well, it did, so Rob Zombie had to make cuts. Not good enough, so he had to make more cuts. Not good enough. He eventually got an R-rated cut, but he still had to look for a distributor. After a couple of years, it finally ended up in the hands of Lion's Gate, and the movie finally got released. Sadly, it isn't worth the wait. I'm sorry, but it isn't, and I hate saying that because I appreciate what Rob Zombie attempted to do. In the end, however, it's not a good movie, which would be fine, a lotta movies I like aren't very good. But "House of 1000 Corpses" is neither good nor entertaining. It's just a bloody mess.
Part of the problem to me is that the movie doesn't wanna be taken too seriously in the first half, but in the second half, it DOES wanna be taken seriously. It seems like Rob Zombie tried to make a movie that paid homage to those crappy horror movies from the 70s by making one. At first, the movie pokes fun of itself, but then it tries to be legitimately scary, and the movie as a whole doesn't work.
There are some really good things in the movie, such as the evil characters, the production design, the look of the movie, and a lot of the ideas in the film. I dunno, maybe if I got to see the Director's Cut (I hope they release it on DVD), I woulda liked it more. In fact, there were quite a few times where it seemed obvious that a scene was cut out. Something was definitely missing.
Rob Zombie wrote and directed this movie, and I have a feeling that down the line, he could be great at both. It's just that he tried to throw too much into "House of 1000 Corpses," and because of that, the movie's a mess. I'm sure that if he does another one, it'll be a lot better, but that's assuming he wants to. His experience with this movie may make him decide against ever making another one, and I can't say I blame him. Ugh, I hate those assholes at the MPAA.
Though he himself looks like a monster, Rob Zombie, if you were to hear him speak, is a well-spoken, intelligent guy. He's also quite the artist. He drew the hallucination scene in "Beavis and Butt-Head Do America," and he draws most of the illustrations in his CD booklets. He even designed his many tattoos. Also, "House of 1000 Corpses" wasn't to be his first film. At one point, he was supposed to write and direct "The Crow: Salvation," but clashes with the producers eventually got him fired. I have a feeling that his version woulda been a lot better than the one that got released. That movie sucked. I like Rob Zombie, and I respect him, which only makes "House of 1000 Corpses" more disappointing.
The cast is filled with people I've never seen before, but there are a couple of familiar faces. One is Chris Hardwick. A few years ago, he was the host of a game show on MTV called "Singled Out," a show only I watched a few minutes of once or twice (I hated MTV back then, too). He was the host, but the one who got the press was his co-host, Jenny McCarthy (and later on, Carmen Electra). Chris Hardwick was really funny, though he was probably a little too highbrow for the typical MTV crowd. The studio audience never seemed to understand his jokes. He was pretty good in the movie, though he looks very different from his "Singled Out" days. Also, there's Tom Towles as a cop. Tom Towles is a character actor who usually plays scumbags. He was excellent as "Otis Toole," the serial killer and friend of "Henry Lee Lucas" in the awesome movie, "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer." That's the role he'll probably be remembered for. If you haven't seen "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer," you must see it! Also, Harrison Young, the guy in "Saving Private Ryan" who played Matt Damon as an adult, is in the movie. Out of everyone, I think most guys will remember Sheri Moon. She plays "Baby," the sexy blonde. Her laugh in the movie is very annoying, but that's okay, 'cause she's really hot. But sorry, fellas. She's taken. She's married, and her husband happens to be Rob Zombie.
The one who does the best acting job is probably Sid Haig, who plays "Captain Spaulding." He does an awesome job with the character. Funny and terrifying, Sid Haig plays him perfectly. I don't remember ever seeing Sid Haig before, but he's a character actor who has been in a ton of movies and TV shows. Most recently, he was a judge in "Jackie Brown," but I don't remember him in it. I have the "Jackie Brown" DVD, and I'll probably be watching it soon. I have to be sure to look for him.
I appreciate the effort that Rob Zombie put into the film, but when all is said and done, "House of 1000 Corpses" is a disappointment. I'm pretty sure that I know what he was going for, but it didn't work. There was some stuff in the movie I liked, but for the most part, it was messy and scattershot. Much like this review.
Scale of 1-10: 5