Last year, I tried something new with my annual commentary on the Oscars. Years prior, I would watch it, and then write about it a week or two (or three or four) later. Last year, however, I wrote about it while watching it (mad props to Harry Knowles of the great Ain't It Cool News web site for the idea), and even though I went to bed late that night, I was able to have it posted a few hours later.
This year, I'm doing the same thing (thanks to Yvette for letting me use her laptop again), but with a slight difference. I have a DVR now, so I can pause television, That means that I can watch what I need to, press "pause" to write, and then since I'll be behind for much of it, I can fast forward through commercials and boring stuff. I won't fast forward through TOO much of the Oscar broadcast, but you get the idea.
Hosting the show this year is Jon Stewart. I'm not a huge Jon Stewart fan. I mean, I think he's pretty funny, but I don't like him as much as so many others seem to like him. I would have preferred seeing Chris Rock again (though I'm sure that most celebrities in the audience, especially Sean Penn, are happy he isn't back), or better yet, the best guy around for it, Billy Crystal. I have nothing against Jon Stewart, though, so I hope he does a great job.
Okay, on with the show.
The opening sequence was great, with the clips of movie moments while flying through a city. I especially liked seeing Charlie Chaplin with the flower girl from "City Lights," as well as a glimpse of "Spider-Man" followed by James Dean saying "You read too many comic books." That was great.
Oh my God, they did NOT just have Billy Crystal and Chris Rock in a tent (like the one in "Brokeback Mountain") saying that they were (ahem) too busy to host the Oscars. That was great!
Steve Martin, Whoopi Goldberg, David Letterman... all the old hosts! Why the hell is Mel Gibson there? Jon Stewart in bed with Halle Berry. Lucky bastard. And now he's in bed with George Clooney. Heh. Well, it's a quirky beginning, I'll give it that.
Jon Stewart is being pretty damn funny, and he's making fun of their love of liberal politics and...
Wow, Keira Knightly looks really hot. I want her.
Dick Cheney shot Bjork as she tried on her Oscar dress, that was hilarious!
Charlize Theron looks really hot, too.
Joaquin Phoenix didn't look happy when Jon Stewart said that "Walk the Line" was a remake of "Ray," but with white people. Jamie Foxx seemed to like that, though.
Oh God, are they gonna do what I think they're gonna do? HA! Yes, they are! Ambiguously gay moments from old cowboy movies! Absolutely hilarious, especially the last clip with Gregory Peck and Charlton Heston. I was hoping that the "Brokeback Mountain" jokes would be kept to a minimum, but that was brilliant!
Whoa, Nicole Kidman looks like a goddess!
PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
And the Oscar goes to... George Clooney! Wow, that one shocks me! I thought it would go to Paul Giamatti or Jake Gyllenhaal. I would have liked to see Giamatti get an Oscar, but I like George Clooney. I didn't see "Syriana," but I think he's a really good actor. Good for him! He got the award that was presented by Nicole Kidman. They were in "The Peacemaker" together.
HA! "Alright, so I'm not winning Director." His speech started off funny, and then got serious. Mildly pretentious, but it was good.
Okay, the Tom Hanks thing about long Oscar speeches, that was pretty lame.
Ben Stiller's green screen thing is lame, too. The Oscars were off to a good start, but it's getting bad quickly.
ACHIEVEMENT IN VISUAL EFFECTS
And the Oscar goes to... "King Kong"! The movie was way too long, but the special effects really were incredible. This speech better be short. That guy talking MUST know that nobody cares about what he has to say. Okay good, it's over.
Okay, Reese Witherspoon is gonna present an award. She looks yummy.
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE FILM OF THE YEAR
And the Oscar goes to... "Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit." Well, the only one I saw was "Tim Burton's Corpse Bride," and I would have liked to see him win this, but the truth is, "Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas" is a lot better. Unfortunately, this category didn't exist back then.
What the hell is J-Lo doing in the audience? Who invited her?
Naomi Watts is really hot, but her dress looks kinda stupid. She's presenting one of the nominations for best song. Usually, the songs that get nominated in this category suck. Usually there's one that I like every year, but the others suck. The first song being performed is "Travelin' Thru" from "Transamerica," sung by Dolly Parton. I like Dolly Parton, I've always felt that she seems like a cool lady, but I'm not into her music. So I'll listen for about a minute. If I like it, I'll sit through the rest, but if I don't, I'll fast forward.
How old is she? She looks great!
I fast forwarded. Sorry, Dolly.
Luke and Owen Wilson, this could be funny.
Or not.
BEST LIVE ACTION SHORT FILM
And the Oscar goes to... "Six-Shooter." I don't know anything about the film, so I don't really have much to say about it. The speech was short and sweet, though.
Chicken Little and Abby Mallard from the Disney movie "Chicken Little" are gonna present something. Computer-generated presenters. Crap like this tends to be pretty bad. "Chicken Little" is old news, why is it even here? Oh wait, the Oscars are being broadcast on ABC, and Disney owns ABC. Actually, this is pretty funny. And it's kinda cool that Zach Braff and Joan Cusack are presenting an award, even if it's just their voices.
BEST ANIMATED SHORT FILM
And the Oscar goes to... "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation." I never heard of this one. The only one I know of is "9," because Tim Burton is producing the feature-length version. I haven't seen "9," but I watched the trailer, and it looked really cool. On the plus side, "The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation" was done with traditional hand-drawn animation, so I'm kinda glad it won. Also, the winners seem really nice.
Why is Jennifer Aniston presenting an award? Maybe the Hollywood community feels sorry for her 'cause Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie. Actually, I'm kinda rooting for her. I hope her next film does really well.
ACHIEVEMENT IN COSTUME DESIGN
And the Oscar goes to... "Memoirs of a Geisha." Colleen Atwood was the award recipient, and she's one of the biggest names in costume design. I haven't seen "Memoirs of a Geisha," but I do know that Colleen Atwood is one of the best costume designers out there. Congrats to her.
Oh Lordy, Russell Crowe is gonna present something. Hopefully he won't throw a phone at the audience. He's a great actor, but what an asshole. Okay, he's presenting a a montage of movie clips. I love these things. Every year, it's a highlight in the Oscar show. This year, it has to do with biopics, and it includes clips of the real people.
Wow, that was really good.
Will Ferrell and Steve Carrell. Will Ferrell looks sunburned, which I'm sure will be part of a joke shortly. Steve Carrell is awesome. I loved "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," and I urge all of you to watch his show on NBC, "The Office." It's probably my favorite sitcom of all-time. That show is so funny.
Oh, I get it. It's supposed to be really bad makeup work. Heh, they're being funny.
ACHIEVEMENT IN MAKEUP
And the Oscar goes to... "The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe." I would have liked to see "Star Wars" win it, but I don't care all that much. "The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe" is supposed to be really good. I'll rent the DVD when it comes out.
Oh no! There were two recipients of the Oscar for Best Makeup, and the first person said his thing, and when the second person approached the mic, it was cut off, and then the camera moved away from her. That sucks! Poor lady.
Rachel McAdams is talking about the Scientific and Technical Oscars handed out earlier. Damn, she's so hot. I want her.
Hey, it's the great Morgan Freeman! He's gonna present something.
PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
And the Oscar goes to... Rachel Weisz. I would have liked to see Catherine Keener win, but I like Rachel Weisz. In interviews, she comes across as really sweet and down to earth. She's been in some lame movies, but I think she's very talented. She was great in "The Shape of Things," a movie I liked a lot. Did you know that she's dating Darren Aronofsky, the director of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream"? Wow, she looks really luminous (she said the word "luminous" as I wrote it... cool).
Is it just me, or do they seem to be flying through these awards?
Screen legend Lauren Bacall takes the stage. What's she gonna present? Ah, something about film noir. Wow, she's struggling through this. I might have to fast forward through this, 'cause it's really uncomfortable to sit through.
Ugh, I fast forwarded through the rest, I couldn't take it. Now the clips. That was pretty good! They showed clips from my three favorite film noirs, "Double Indemnity," "The Maltese Falcon," and "Night of the Hunter." Okay, it's over. Please, no more Lauren Bacall! Okay, it's Jon Stewart on stage, thank God.
The Best Actress campaign commercials were great!
Terrence Howard, the star (and Best Actor nominee) of "Hustle & Flow," is gonna present something now.
BEST DOCUMENTARY SHORT SUBJECT
And the Oscar goes to... "A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin." I never heard of it, nor did I hear of the others, so my feeling is complete indifference. Ha, a female award recipient just thanked the Academy for seating her next to George Clooney at the nominees luncheon. That was pretty funny.
Ah, the phenomenally sexy Charlize Theron hits the stage. What's she gonna present? And why does it look like she has a pillow attached to her dress at the shoulder?
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
And the Oscar goes to... "March of the Penguins." Although I've heard about all of films nominated, the only one I've actually sat through was "March of the Penguins," and I thought it was okay. I'm sure it was a really tough shoot, and it really is a very well made documentary, but somewhere in the middle of it I took a five minute nap. I can't understand the speeches, the accents are way too thick.
So THAT'S why J-Lo is there, she's gonna present something. But again, I have to ask, WHY?!?! She does look damn good, though. Okay, she's presenting another nominee for Best Song, this one being from "Crash." It's "In the Deep" by Kathleen "Bird" York. Let's see how long I last through this one.
Okay, she's kinda hot, but I'm fast forwarding.
Now Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are presenting something together. I remember back when they were in "Speed" together, and that movie made stars outta both of 'em. Keanu can't act, but he seems like a cool guy. Sandra Bullock CAN act (though a lot of her movies suck), and she seems really cool, too. They seem constipated up there, though.
ACHIEVEMENT IN ART DIRECTION
And the Oscar goes to... "Memoirs of a Geisha." Eh. Whatever. I would have liked to see "Good Night, and Good Luck" or "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" win. One of the winners couldn't be there, and I guess it's a tragic reason, because the guy talking about what she would say if she was there looks really sad. Okay, now I feel bad.
Samuel L. Jackson takes the stage. That dude kicks ass. What's he gonna present? Oh, more film clips. Cool! This one seems to be about Hollywood films with messages that preach tolerance and address social issues. I'd say "To Kill a Mockingbird" is the best of those kinds of films. Okay, I know that "The Day After Tomorrow" addresses environmentalism, but that movie doesn't belong in this montage! Sidney Poitier says "They call me Mr. Tibbs." Hell yes! There's Atticus Finch with his young daughter Scout. I love "To Kill a Mockingbird." As great as the movie is, the book is even better. It's my favorite book of all-time. And it closes with "Schindler's List." Wow, that was a great montage.
And here's the President of the Academy to say a few things. My finger is right on the fast forward button. Why do the Oscars do this every year? Okay, the speech wasn't so bad, but kinda preachy and self-indulgent.
Salma Hayek takes the stage. I haven't seen her in a while. Yowza, she looks good!
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SCORE)
And the Oscar goes to... Gustavo Santaolalla for "Brokeback Mountain." The music didn't stand out for me, though it didn't stand out for me in "Munich" either, which is the only other film nominated that I saw. This guy seems like a really gracious winner, though. I'm happy for him. He seems like a really nice guy.
Now Jake Gyllenhaal is onstage to present something. Poor guy looks nervous. Jesus, they're really pushing the idea of watching movies in theaters rather than on DVD. First the President of the Academy was talking about it, now Jake Gyllenhaal. I've said it once and I'll say it again. If theater owners would do their part to ensure that moviegoers would have a pleasant moviegoing experience, more people would go to the theater to watch movies. Unfortunately, we have to deal with idiots talking to the screen, assholes with their cell phones, problems with the projector, ticket prices... no wonder people prefer to watch movies on DVD!
Yet another montage! This one is about epics that look better on the big screen. That was really good, and some movies really ARE much cooler to watch on the big screen, but I stand by what I wrote earlier.
HA! Jon Stewart is making fun of all the montages. "Holy crap. We're out of clips. We are literally out of film clips."
Jessica Alba and Eric Bana take the stage. Jessica Alba looks stunning, but her hair looks like she stuck her finger in a light socket.
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING
And the Oscar goes to... "King Kong." I don't really know what sound mixing is, but "King Kong" sounds good, so kudos to them.
Meryl Streep and Lily Tomlin take the stage! Wow, they're really good together! They're really funny, I like this sorta banter. They're there to present the Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert Altman. A hell of an introduction, I must say. Great stuff! And now another montage, this being a montage of Altman's films. Wow, they actually showed a clip from "Popeye."
And now Robert Altman takes the stage. I loved almost all of the films of his that I've seen, but I'm not a fan of "Gosford Park." I should go see some of his films that I haven't seen yet, like "Nashville" and "M*A*S*H."
Ludacris takes the stage. Wow, he's presenting at the Oscars?! He's certainly come a long way! He's presenting the song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from "Hustle & Flow." I think I'll keep this one on. I liked "Hustle & Flow," and I like this song. This is the one song nominated this year that I like. I wonder what the people in the audience think of this performance.
Queen Latifah takes the stage.
ACHIEVEMENT IN MUSIC WRITTEN FOR MOTION PICTURES (ORIGINAL SONG)
And the Oscar goes to... "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" from "Hustle & Flow." Yay! I'm sorry, but the other songs in this category were lame, at least "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp" is different. Also, I genuinely like the song. The acceptance speech should be interesting. Heh, right now it looks like the MTV Video Music Awards.
Jon Stewart is laughing his ass off. I'm really liking him as a host.
More Oscar campaign commercials, this time for Best Sound Editing. Funny stuff!
Ooooh, Jennifer Garner is about to come out. She just had a baby, so I doubt she'll look as great as she usually does. Oh my God, she almost slipped! She played it cool, though. And she still looks hot. Her boobs are bigger now, since they're filled with milk.
ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND EDITING
And the Oscar goes to... "King Kong." What I wrote about the sound mixing category also applies here.
George Clooney takes the stage to to pay respect to those who died over the last year. They do this every year, and it's always touching.
Will Smith takes the stage.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM OF THE YEAR
And the Oscar goes to... "Tsotsi." I know I'll come across as an ignorant fool, but I haven't heard of any of these films, so whatever. Hell of a speech, though. I liked that.
Ah, the very sexy Ziyi Zhang, the star of "Memoirs of a Geisha," takes the stage. I hope her English has gotten better. Well, it's a little better, but it's still kinda hard to understand her.
ACHIEVEMENT IN FILM EDITING
And the Oscar goes to... "Crash." I really liked "Crash," but I've never known how to judge which films have better editing. I mean, I know when the editing is really good and when it's really bad, and all of the nominated films have really good editing, but which is better? I dunno.
Hilary Swank takes the stage. She's such a great actress. Wow, she looks really good tonight. She has such a a kickass body. Wow, Best Acting already?
PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
And the Oscar goes to... Philip Seymour Hoffman from "Capote." I'm really glad he won the Oscar, but I don't think this is the film he shoulda won it for. He's a great actor, and his acting in the movie is great, but he was miscast to the point of distraction. At least to me. I think David Strathairn shoulda won it, but I'm happy that Philip Seymour Hoffman got an Oscar.
John Travolta takes the stage.
ACHIEVEMENT IN CINEMATOGRAPHY
And the Oscar goes to... "Memoirs of a Geisha." Damn, I really wish "Batman Begins" won. Oh well.
Jamie Foxx takes the stage.
PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
And the Oscar goes to... Reese Witherspoon from "Walk the Line." That one surprised me, I thought it was gonna go to Felicity Huffman. I'm happy for Reese Witherspoon, though. She's very talented, and she seems like a good person.
Dustin Hoffman takes the stage.
ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
And the Oscar goes to... Larry McMurtry & Diana Ossana for "Brokeback Mountain." I'm happy with that win.
Uma Thurman takes the stage. Damn she looks good. A little too heroin chic for my taste, but she still looks yummy.
ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
And the Oscar goes to... Paul Haggis & Bobby Moresco for "Crash." I dunno, it was a really good movie, but I would have liked to see "Good Night, and Good Luck" win. Still, "Crash" was really good, so I'm not upset with this win.
Tom Hanks takes the stage.
ACHIEVEMENT IN DIRECTING
And the Oscar goes to... Ang Lee for "Brokeback Mountain." Although I would have liked to see George Clooney win, I'm happy to see Ang Lee get the Oscar. It's weird to think that the guy who directed "Brokeback Mountain" also directed "Hulk" and "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon."
Jack Nicholson takes the stage. Big ovation for Jack. Ya know, I like Jack Nicholson. He seems like a cool guy, and a conversation with him would probably be very interesting, but something about him strikes me as creepy. I know he's given creepy performances, but generally speaking, he strikes me as creepy. Maybe it's just me.
BEST MOTION PICTURE OF THE YEAR
And the Oscar goes to... "Crash." Wow, that's a huge surprise! I think everybody expected "Brokeback Mountain," and I personally was hoping for "Good Night, and Good Luck." So "Crash" won, I'll be damned. It IS a really good movie, but I don't think it should have won Best Picture. It's a lot better than some of the past Best Picture winners at least.
Okay, so that's it. The show's over. It was pretty good, I suppose, and Jon Stewart was a lot better than I thought he would be. The thing is, I wasn't really passionate about any of the films nominated this year, so I wasn't as excited about the Oscars as I usually am. Still, the show was pretty good, thanks in a large part to Jon Stewart.
So anyway, I guess I'm done. Congrats to the winners!