Joey the Film Geek: Commentary - "Going to the Movies Alone"

COMMENTARY

"GOING TO THE MOVIES ALONE"

I know that it's not the hippest thing in the world to do, but I go to the movies alone a lot. Sure, while I have a girlfriend, we go together all the time, but she's gotta follow my five basic rules which are:

RULE # 1 - There is to be no talking during the movie or the movie trailers. It's fine to briefly talk BETWEEN the movie trailers to say something like, "we're definitely gonna see that," or "you're gonna see that one alone," but other than that, no talking.

RULE # 2 - We gotta be about a half hour early. Why? Because of the "just in case" factor. Just in case it's crowded, just in case the time was wrong in the newspaper, just in case she's gotta pee... and I wanna pick the seats, not settle for first row against the wall.

RULE # 3 - What's everyone's obsession with eating at the theater? Fine, if the person I go to the movies with wants popcorn, I won't bitch... as long as we're making good time. Otherwise, that's another line to wait in, lessening the chances of us getting a decent seat. By the way, call me an asshole, but if a girl asks me to get her food or a drink while the movie is playing, I'll laugh in her face.

RULE # 4 - No getting up to use the bathroom. Okay, I'll admit that this rule is a bit harsh, but it's SO distracting! And I hate that whole "what did I miss?" thing. You shoulda peed before the movie started. Or better yet, you shouldn't have ordered that huge Coke that was so big, people were swimming in it. And I don't care if it was only ten cents more than the medium.

RULE # 5 - No making out or feeling me up during the movie. Aside from being very "high school," it's annoying. There's a time and a place for everything, and the movie theater ain't the place to get down and dirty. Well, unless the movie's really, really bad.

There's been a couple of times where I've gone to the movies with a big group of friends. I usually end up sitting away from them, even if they invited me. They would bitch at me afterwards, but I never understood why. They knew the kinda person I was.

Reading the above rules, it's no wonder that I go to the movies alone, eh? Well, those who are like me understand where I'm coming from. I've gone to the movies plenty of times with people who are the same way. Well, except for rule #3 and rule #4. I'm alone on those. The best person that I go to the movies with is my buddy AJ (though he constantly breaks rule #3), my friend and former roommate (we used to have that "we're not gay" seating arrangement where there was always an empty seat between us). Also, the few times I go to the movies with my mother, she does a good job of obeying the rules. Actually, she was the one who kinda taught me rules 1, 3, and 4. All of my girlfriends were good. Of course, a couple had to be TAUGHT the rules. One of 'em was feeling me up during "Batman Returns." A DEFINITE no-no. Especially during a Tim Burton movie. Pure insanity, right?

Was this a wasted topic or what? I mean, there's really not a hell of a lot to write about going to the movies alone. I don't even know why I wrote it. Maybe I'm really just some lonely dork trying to rationalize why I go to the movies alone so often. That couldn't be it though, because I kinda enjoy it. Or maybe I really don't. I dunno. Maybe it's time to modify the rules just a little bit.